


Disconnected

by Chlorophylz (mynameisnotphy)



Series: Chlo's Rarepair Angst Fiesta [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Blood and Injury, Burnout - Freeform, Delusions, Denial, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, I'm Sorry, Insecurity, M/M, Mostly Canon Compliant, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Beta Read, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, it starts off cute but the angst comes in like a truck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 08:20:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27348037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mynameisnotphy/pseuds/Chlorophylz
Summary: Koganegawa receives a brand new smartphone as a birthday present. The added convenience of communication brings him closer to Goshiki than ever before but at the same time, their connection pulls taut as the rivalry between their schools intensify. Can they fix their connection before the line cuts off for good?Haikyuu Angst Week Day 2: Phone calls/Texts + Insecurity + “Was I ever enough?”
Relationships: Goshiki Tsutomu/Koganegawa Kanji
Series: Chlo's Rarepair Angst Fiesta [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1997182
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	Disconnected

**Author's Note:**

> TW: death, injury (nothing graphic), blood mention. Please read the tags and proceed with caution!  
> I tried my best. Please accept my humble offering of angst.  
> [Edited Jan 2021]

**July 9, 2013 (Tuesday)**

**05:30**

Koganegawa Kanji awakens to the blare of his alarm clock. With an uncharacteristic groan, the usually cheerful and energetic boy pulls his blanket over his head to drown out the alarm. 

He should be excited for his birthday but the thought of a long day at school right after yesterday’s intensive volleyball training fills him with dread.

Just the day before, his captain Futakuchi declared that the team would begin training for the Spring High Prefectural Qualifiers despite the team making it to top sixteen in the country at the Interhigh Tournament. The gold medal he received at the Prefectural Qualifiers hangs from his bedpost and the certificate for participation in a national tournament hangs proudly on the wall.

Despite every fibre of muscle screaming at him to stay in bed, his hunger for improvement overrides his exhaustion. Yawning, he slams the dismiss button and sits up in bed. His phone buzzes on his nightstand, prompting him to flip it open for a look. A wave of birthday wishes floods his inbox. The very first one was sent at exactly twelve midnight.

 **_Tsutomu:_ ** _Happy birthday, you big baby! Hope you have a great day. You deserve all the good things in the world. I love you!_

His boyfriend, ace spiker Goshiki Tsutomu from Shiratorizawa Academy, had stayed up till midnight just to be the first to wish him a happy birthday. 

Koganegawa smiles to himself. He types out a message thanking Goshiki, as well as the other people in his inbox for their well-wishes. Ready to start his day, he kicks his blanket aside and swings his legs off his bed. He notices a neatly-wrapped gift box placed by his pillow—a birthday gift from his parents. Intrigued, he picks it up gently, only to feel the weight of the object contained within the box.

Whatever is inside the box is slightly heavier than the gifts he has received from his past few birthdays, such as stationery sets and school supplies.

The box is small enough to fit into one palm, given the size of his hands. Yet he chooses to cradle it with both hands, as though it is an object that is extremely delicate and precious to him.

Koganegawa treasures every birthday present that his parents gift him. His family may not be well-off but his parents never scrimp on his birthday present, no matter how tight their finances may be. Years ago, he made a promise to his parents, that he would enrol into a technical high school so that he can get a job upon graduation, equipped with the necessary skills to join the working world. With a stable job, he can finally supplement his family income.

Barely able to contain his excitement, Koganegawa tears the wrapping paper into shreds, revealing a smartphone in its box. In disbelief, he throws his blanket aside and sprints towards the kitchen, where his parents are seated. A bowl of his favourite Katsudon sits on his side of the dining table.

“Kanji!” Koganegawa’s mother exclaims, throwing her arms around her much taller son’s waist. “Happy birthday, sweetheart!”

“Thank you, Mum!” Koganegawa says in gratitude, returning the hug with a childlike smile.

“Do you like your present?” 

“About that, why did you and Dad get me a smartphone?” he exclaims, looking at his parents in disbelief. “This must have cost a bomb!”

“Don’t worry about it,” his father says with a good-natured laugh. “Your mother and I thought that you should have one of these since you’re already seventeen. Besides, you made it to the national stage with your team! You deserve a reward for your effort!"

“That's right,” His mother says, standing on her toes to ruffle his hair affectionately. “You've done us proud. Happy birthday, sweetheart!”

Tears gather in the corners of Koganegawa’s eyes. Overwhelmed with gratitude, he throws his arms around his parents in a tight embrace.

“Thank you, Dad! Thank you, Mum! I love you both so much!”

“We’re glad that you like it,” his mother says, ruffling his hair. “Have fun with your new phone. Your father and I will be off to work now. Enjoy your Katsudon and have a great birthday, sweetheart.”

* * *

After a long day of back-to-back classes and volleyball practice, Koganegawa spends his evening importing his long list of contacts to his new phone, which he brought to school earlier just to take photos with every one of his friends and his teammates. Within a day, he has added sixty photographs to his photo gallery. All featuring the people important to him. 

Except for his boyfriend. Although he knows that the training in Shiratorizawa is much more intense than the training he goes through in Dateko, Koganegawa can’t help but yearn for time to spend by Goshiki’s side. 

He types out a broadcast message to everyone in his contacts to update then with his new phone number.

Koganegawa begins personalising his phone with different fonts, ringtones and wallpapers. He eventually settles for a picture of his dream car as his home screen wallpaper and an evolutionary line of Torchic as his lock screen wallpaper. He takes screenshots of his new layout, as well as a mirror selfie to show off his phone and sends the pictures to Goshiki via text message.

 **_Me:_ ** _Tsu! Check it out! This is my new phone! Cool, right? ♫_

Koganegawa hums a happy tune, flopping back on his bed to download more games and music. His phone chimes and a notification banner flashes across his screen.

 **_Tsutomu:_ ** _C_ _ongrats, you’re an official teenager now_

Koganegawa reads the message again, trying to decipher the context behind Goshiki’s reply. 

**_Me:_ ** _What do you mean? >:( _

**_Tsutomu:_ ** _Nah, nothing. I_ _t’s just funny how you’re so excited over your first smartphone_

 **_Me:_ ** _(ᗒᗣᗕ)՞_

 **_Tsutomu:_ ** _I mean, it’s cute and amusing that it’s kinda endearing_

 **_Me:_ ** _Really?_

 **_Tsutomu:_ ** _Yeah  
_ _**Tsutomu:** Miss you lots _

**_Me:_ ** _Aww, same here! I haven’t seen you in so long!_

 **_Tsutomu:_ ** _Sorry I couldn’t spend your birthday with you_

 **_Me:_ ** _Don’t worry about it!_

 **_Tsutomu:_ ** _I feel so bad, though..._

_**Me:** Then let's go for a date soon! A short one is fine, so long as I can spend time with you in person _

_**Tsutomu:** Cool! I'll let you know when I'm free. Probably when my school break training schedule comes out next week  
_ **_Tsutomu:_ ** _Ttyl! I’m gonna do my homework now. Have fun exploring your new phone!_

 **_Me:_ ** _Wishing you all the best! You’ve got this! (•̀ᴗ•́)و_

 **_Tsutomu:_ ** _Love you ♥︎_

Koganegawa smiles giddily at Goshiki’s message, signed off with a heart. Goshiki has never been one to use heart emotes in his text messages, often saying that it’s ‘uncool’ and ‘cringeworthy’.

Koganegawa curls up in bed, staring at his phone screen wistfully. It has been a month since his last date with Goshiki. Despite being in different schools, the couple stayed connected via regular text messages and phone calls. As far as technology can go, it can’t bring Goshiki to him in person. Yearning to see his boyfriend again, Koganegawa comes up with a plan to pay Goshiki a surprise visit after practice one day, so that they can finally go on a date together.

* * *

Standing in front of the Shiratorizawa Academy campus map, Koganegawa reminisces the day he first stepped foot into the academy’s prestigious grounds for the Miyagi High School Volleyball First-Year Intensive Training Camp. Never would he have imagined that he would be scouted by coaches from other schools to participate in a camp for seasoned high school volleyball players across the prefecture when his skills as a setter hadn’t been fully polished yet. 

Best of all, he forged an unlikely friendship with a confident first-year regular on the Shiratorizawa team. It had been some time since he called out to the boy, asking him for his email address. From that day on, he had been sending daily positivity email threads to the friends he made at the training camp. He stopped sending those messages after a while after most people stopped replying to him.

Tracing his finger across the directory, Koganegawa searches for the gymnasium where volleyball practices are held. He recalls seeing a bus parked outside the gym but he doesn't exactly remember his way around.

Within earshot, Koganegawa overhears two students making comments about him.

“What’s a Dateko student doing here? He looks lost.”

“Kinda like some kid at the zoo.”

“He’s really tall, though. Maybe he’s from Dateko’s volleyball club and he’s here to gather intel about our school team’s training regime.”

Koganegawa grits his teeth. Losing his temper over a pair of preppy students wouldn’t be worth it, especially if he is in the wrong for trespassing their school in the first place. On top of that, he is wearing his school uniform on their premises.

“Kanji!”

Upon hearing his name being called out, Koganegawa whips around to see Goshiki running up to him with a worried expression on his face.

“Heya, Tsu!” Koganegawa says excitedly, waving his hands

“You shouldn’t be here,” Goshiki scolds, “what if the security guards or teachers see you?”

“Just wanted to give you a surprise! You said that you’ll finish training at seven but it’s six-thirty.”

Goshiki shakes his head in disbelief. He wraps his hand around Koganegawa’s wrist and drags him towards the main entrance.

“Coach let us off early today.”

“That’s surprising!" Koganegawa exclaims. "I thought your demon coach never—”

“Shh!” Goshiki hisses.

“What’s wrong?” Koganegawa asks in worry. 

“You can’t spout shit like this on Shiratorizawa grounds!" Goshiki whispers harshly. "Coach Washijo is really well-respected here!”

“Sorry!”

“Never mind, let’s get out of here.”

As the boys pass the main gate to the nearby bus stop, Goshiki lets go of his grip around Koganegawa’s wrist, bending over to catch his breath. Koganegawa realises that there is no one else following behind and approaches Goshiki worriedly.

“Tsu, where are your teammates? Why are you the only person heading out of school?”

“They’re staying behind to practice spiking,” Goshiki says, panting heavily. “I’m the ace so I was let off early.”

“I see but why were we walking so fast?”

“Really? Didn’t think so.”

Koganegawa takes Goshiki’s hand and holds on to it tightly, only for Goshiki to let out a pained yelp.

“What’s the matter?” Koganegawa asks in concern.

“You’re holding on too tight!”

Koganegawa immediately releases his hold on Goshiki’s hand. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you!”

“It’s not your fault,” Goshiki says, diverting his gaze to his shoes. 

Koganegawa inspects Goshiki’s swollen fingers. A stab of pain goes through his heart with every purplish-blue mark that had bloomed on Goshiki’s skin.

“You’re pushing yourself too hard, Tsu.”

As the bus approaches the bus stop, Goshiki waves his arm to flag it down.

"Well, I'm not doing well enough," Goshiki says as the bus pulls up in front of him. He boards the bus and heads to the vacant backseat with Koganegawa following behind. As Koganegawa takes his seat, Goshiki leans his head down on Koganegawa's shoulder.

"Tsu, are you really alright?'" Koganegawa says worriedly, placing the back of his hand against Goshiki's forehead, only for Goshiki to swat his hand away.

"I'm not sick, dummy," Goshiki groans. "Just lend me your shoulder."

Without saying a word, Koganegawa scoots closer to Goshiki's seat, so that Goshiki can rest his head on his shoulder. 

"Truth is," Goshiki says softly, "I ran away from practice after getting yelled at by my coach.”

“So you left your teammates behind?”

“They don’t care about me anyway. The most miserable thing about being the only first-year student as a regular on the school team is that you’ll be distanced from the other players in your level. Now that most of my senpais have graduated, it feels as though I can't carry on their legacy because I'm a disappointment like that."

"You aren't! You're a great ace! Heck, when I saw your mad volleyball skills at the youth training camp last year, I couldn't help but look up to you! You must have plenty of juniors who look up to you too so don't say such things about yourself, got it?"

Goshiki remains silent, causing Koganegawa to worry if he had said something wrong.

"Kanji?" Goshiki's voice cracks. It is obvious that Goshiki is crying but Koganegawa chooses not to point it out, not wanting to hurt Goshiki's pride.

"Yeah?" Koganegawa says in an attempt to sound upbeat.

“Thanks for hearing me out," Goshiki says, barely able to hold in a sob. "You probably won’t believe me but your phone calls are the only thing I look forward to these days. I don’t really have anything else to look forward to anymore.”

“Aww, Tsu, You have your team, don’t you?" You love volleyball a lot too! You have lots to look forward to!”

“No," Goshiki snaps. "Not when every practice session weighs down on me. I can’t make my team soar as high as we did before. Was I ever enough for the team?”

“You’re a great ace! You’re Ushiwaka’s successor, remember? How many people can truly live up to that kind of title? You work harder than anyone else and your dedication shows.”

“Was I ever enough? You know, as the ace of Shiratorizawa?”

“Of course you are!” Koganegawa exclaims, placing his hands on Goshiki’s shoulders. “Why wouldn’t you be?”

“Doesn’t feel that way to me,” Goshiki says, voice quivering. A sob rises up his throat. “No matter how hard I train, I will never be as good as Ushijima-san. I will only disgrace the team and my school’s reputation.”

“Don’t say that! You’re the ace of Shiratorizawa! The player that the mighty Ushiwaka recognised as his successor! You’re the coolest of the coolest there is, Tsu!”

“It’s stressful!” Goshiki exclaims, tears streaming down his face. “I haven’t had a day to myself ever since the Spring High Preliminary training kicked in! I’m either training my butt off or studying until my brain turns into mush! I can’t let my grades fall or they’ll take me out of the team. I can’t let my team down like this!”

“Tsutomu, look at me! Pull yourself together! You’re only letting yourself down if you continue to think that way. I know that you work harder than anyone else. Anyone can tell. You’re being too hard on yourself.”

“I want so much to just drop everything and quit—”

“You can’t!” Koganegawa exclaims, wrapping his fingers around Goshiki’s bruised hands. “You love volleyball. You can’t let your dedication go down the drain because of a few setbacks. It’s your responsibility as the ace score the most points for your team, isn’t it? You’ll be the one to lead your team to victory!”

“You’re right,” Goshiki says, drying his eyes with his jacket sleeve. “I’ll just have to work harder to overcome any block. Soon, I’ll be blasting through every block in my way, including yours.”

“Although I’m not too happy to hear that, I’m so glad that the Tsutomu I know is back!”

With tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, Goshiki leans into Koganegawa to plant a soft kiss on his forehead.

“Thank you, Kanji,” he whispers, “Thank you for keeping me from falling apart. I love you so damn much, you know that?”

“I love you too. I’ll always be here for you. If you need me, I’m just a call away. You don’t have to go through this pain on your own.”

“I never thought that the person to give me comfort would be a setter from a rival team.”

“I’m your boyfriend off the court, silly! Be careful, though. My team will show you no mercy. We’re the mighty Iron Wall!”

“Ah, what an honour if I were to spike through the Iron Wall of Dateko.”

“Don’t you think about it!” Koganegawa says defensively.

“Hey, what’s the big idea?" Goshiki whines, sitting upright and crossing his arms in front of his chest. "You were the one giving me a pep talk earlier! Thanks to your motivational words, I’m feeling all powered up now.”

Koganegawa wraps an arm around Goshiki's neck in a headlock. “That's the spirit! Ready to take on any challenge in your way?”

“Yeah, but I could really use a break," Goshiki laughs, hitting Koganegawa playfully. "My fingers are gonna fall off if I start practising right away and my head is gonna pop is you don't let me go!”

“I’m not asking you to charge headfirst into the gym after a mere pep talk! Come on, the night is ours. Wanna have your favourite boiled flounder for dinner? It’ll be my treat!”

“You’re on! Only if you’ll let me treat you to a meal the next time we go out.”

“Deal! Now, where do we get off?”

* * *

Stumped with writer’s block, Goshiki stuffs another sushi into his mouth, hitting the back of his pen against his empty glass—an action that would definitely earn him an earful from his parents at home. He looks up briefly from his essay to see Koganegawa writing on his worksheet with a perplexed expression. The boys had stumbled into a nearby twenty-four-hour eatery, where Goshiki ordered four plates of boiled flounder and six plates of assorted sushi before laying out his homework on an empty table. In an hour, he devoured all four plates of boiled flounder while writing away furiously, completing worksheet after worksheet. He was confident that writing his essay would be a piece of cake but he finds himself stuck in his second paragraph. 

“What are you scribbling on my worksheet, silly?” Goshiki laughs, hitting his boyfriend playfully on the head with his textbook.

“This math problem seemed interesting so I attempted to solve it but oh boy, the math I’m taught in school is nowhere comparable to this,” Koganegawa grumbles.

“Duh! You study in a technical high school," Goshiki says with a laugh. "The math you learn would be the kind more applicable to your desired industry.”

Koganegawa sticks his tongue out at Goshiki. “You, go back to writing your essay. I'm gonna try solving this.” 

“I’m stuck," Goshiki complains, pressing his writing pad to his face. Koganegawa snatches the writing pad from Goshiki's grasp and reads the header out loud.

"Is the internet is bringing people closer together or pulling them further apart from each other?”

"Definitely pulling people apart," Goshiki replies, tapping his pen on the surface of the table.

“But it brought me closer to you!" Koganegawa says with a smile. "Without the internet, it would be hard for us to keep in touch, especially since we go to different schools. Thank my parents for my new phone. I wouldn't have discovered the wonders of social media otherwise!”

Goshiki purses his lips in thoughtful contemplation. “That’s true but don’t you realise that everyone here seems to be fixated on their screens instead of conversing with their friends? I mean, apart from those drunk office guys over there.”

Koganegawa nods in agreement. "They’re so busy updating their social media feeds that they're ignoring the person sitting in front of them.”

“How lucky I am to have a boyfriend who would rather keep me company by attempting my math worksheet when he could have been playing a mobile game instead,” Goshiki laughs, messing up Koganegawa's hair.

“I like looking at you being hard at work!” Koganegawa says, picking up a roll of sushi with his chopsticks and placing it on Goshiki's plate.

"Thanks but this will have to be my last one. I'm stuffed!" Goshiki groans, stretching his arms out in front of him. "Gah, I give up! I should probably head back to the dorms before curfew.”

Koganegawa gives a disgruntled pout but ends up helping Goshiki to pack up his books and scattered worksheets all the same.

“Have a good rest, then! You deserve a break.”

“I’ll probably be up all night writing my essay and thinking of how I’ll have to explain myself to Coach Washijo tomorrow," Goshiki deadpans. He pops the last sushi into his mouth and lets out a long sigh.

"Man, what was I thinking, storming out of practice like that? I must have worried everyone.”

Koganegawa reaches his hand across the table to wrap his fingers around Goshiki's bruised hand, a wordless show of affection from the usually boisterous, talkative Koganegawa that speaks a thousand words to Goshiki. The boys continue to gaze at one another adoringly, ignoring the world around them. 

* * *

As time goes by, Koganegawa and Goshiki become busier with their academics as well as volleyball practice. Both boys barely have the time to meet with each other on a regular basis. The frequency of their weekly phone calls has decreased as well. 

As soon as Koganegawa finds time to use his phone, he would drop Goshiki a text message. Initially, Goshiki replied to all of them but recently, Koganegawa finds himself being left on ‘read’. Even his phone calls barely go through. 

He tries his luck at calling Goshiki once again. He waits patiently for the call to go through. On the fifth beep, Goshiki picks up the phone.

“Hey, Tsutomu!”

“What’s up?” Goshiki asks. 

“Am I glad to hear your voice! I was worried when you wouldn’t pick up my calls.”

“Just tired,” Goshiki says wearily. Koganegawa hears a muffled yawn from the other end of the line.

“You sound really drained. You wanna talk tomorrow instead?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“You sure? You should totally rest.”

“Just tell me about your day in excruciating detail,” Goshiki says, “from the time you woke up this morning.”

“Oh, uh… I woke up, washed up, got changed into my uniform and stuffed a sandwich into my mouth before running after the bus. When I got off the bus, I saw a cat sitting by the bus stop and gave it some head rubs but it ran away. I walked through the gates to get to class. And I bumped into Sakunami-kun so I walked to class with him. We got our grades for our group project and we got better grades than we expected! Then we went to the workshop to—“

Koganegawa hears a soft snore coming from the other end of the line. He presses his phone closer to his ear.

“Um… Tsu? Are you still there?”

No response. Koganegawa smiles softly.

“Good night, ace! You deserve a good night’s rest. Love you.”

* * *

Koganegawa stands in the middle of the busy train station, holding his phone to his ear. He had bought a pair of tickets to the zoo in hopes that it would take Goshiki's mind off the immense amount of pressure from school and practice. 

After a while, Goshiki finally picks up.

"Hello?"

“Are you on your way?” Koganegawa asks impatiently.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m almost there, I promise. No need to call me every five minutes asking for an update.”

“Oh! I can see you! Can you see me waving at you?”

"It isn’t too hard spotting a crop of dyed-blonde hair in a crowd, you know?" Goshiki deadpans. Pushing past the other commuters, he makes his way towards Koganegawa.

"Are you excited?"

“Why have you asked me out so early on a Sunday morning?” Goshiki groans, putting his phone back into his pocket. "What do I have for me to look forward to?"

“I got us tickets to the Yagiyama Zoological Park!” Koganegawa announces, taking out a pair of tickets from his pocket. 

“We’re going on a date to the zoo?!" Goshiki's face pales. "B-but I’m dressed in my worst clothes! Not to mention, I have an upcoming test to study for!”

“You’ve worked too hard, Tsu. It’s my duty as your boyfriend to make sure that you do not overwork yourself.”

“But—”

“The way you were talking to me on the phone on Thursday made me realise that you’re close to burnout. I thought that I should give you a surprise.”

“Yeah, sure," Goshiki says, holding a hand to the back of his head. "I don’t mind going anywhere with you but the problem here is that I’m in my worst clothes!”

Koganegawa reaches into his bag for his crumpled up volleyball club jacket. He flings it open and drapes it over Goshiki’s shoulders.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. I wasn’t expecting you to show up wearing just jeans and a thin t-shirt.”

Goshiki pouts. “I thought that you wanted to go on a study date or something.”

“Now, why would I ask you out on a study date when my brain is already frying from my never-ending pile of assignments?”

“Well, you did mention that you liked seeing me being hard at work. I even brought my assignments along, damn it!”

“No need for those! Today, you’re only allowed to have fun.”

Goshiki lets out a long groan, burying his face in his hands. “You've really got to stop scaring me with your spontaneity. Last time, you showed up unannounced at my school. Now, you plan a surprise trip to the zoo when we have exams and tournaments coming up.”

“As I told you, I’m here to make sure that you don’t overwork yourself. I could use a break myself. Too many deadlines to meet and too much training is overwhelming me.”

“Never thought there would come a day where the endless ball of energy named Koganegawa Kanji would feel drained," Goshiki says with a laugh. "Oh well, since you’ve already bought the tickets, it would be a waste if we turned back right now.”

* * *

**October 2013**

In the Spring High Qualifiers, Date Tech loses their round to Karasuno in the semifinals while Shiratorizawa loses their place to Aoba Johsai. The two powerhouses go on to battle for their ticket to nationals. Koganegawa and Goshiki bawl their eyes out in each others’ arms for the rest of the day, vowing to seek revenge next year. The next day, Karasuno emerges victorious in the finals, punching yet another ticket to the Spring High Tournaments. 

The rest of the school year flies by. The third years graduate and move on to the next stage of their lives. Koganegawa and Goshiki are appointed as the new captains of their respective teams. A heavyweight rests upon their shoulders as newly appointed leaders. As such, the boys resorted to weekly phone calls to give updates on whatever has been going on in their lives, no matter how busy they are. 

"You're seeing that bowl-cut brat from Shiratorizawa?" Futakuchi exclaims loudly when he chances upon Koganegawa's lock-screen wallpaper.

"We've been dating for slightly over a year now!"

"Good luck," Futakuchi says with a wave of his hand. "Heard that he's been appointed as the new captain. Just so you know, captains of opposing teams can never be an item. The interests of their respective teams will always hold more importance over the feelings of their partners."

"I have faith in our relationship," Koganegawa says with confidence. "We'll work hard to keep it afloat without sacrificing the best interests of our respective teams. Trust me, I won't shame the name of the Iron Wall." 

Futakuchi lets out a sigh at his junior's naivete, wondering if he had made the wrong choice of appointing Koganegawa as the captain.

"You'd better not."

* * *

**July 2014**

Even with the weekly phone calls, Koganegawa cannot help but feel as though Goshiki is becoming more distant. It started off with half-hearted replies on Goshiki’s end. Despite Koganegawa’s efforts to keep in touch via regular text messages, he once again finds himself being left on 'read'. When the Interhigh Qualifiers roll around, Koganegawa busies himself with practice in order to take his mind off the cold shoulder Goshiki has been giving him. Although Goshiki appears to be fine when they go out for a meal together, Koganegawa never fails to point out the new bruises that bloom across Goshiki’s palm, much to Goshiki’s annoyance. Whenever Koganegawa attempts to massage Goshiki’s hand, the other boy would simply pull away from him and they would walk by each others’ side in awkward silence. 

Weeks pass. Both teams get busy with practice, training camps and practice matches as soon as the summer break begins. To take his mind off the immense pressure of leading a team and trying to keep his relationship afloat, Koganegawa decides to browse through Twitter, where he is tagged under a video of Date Tech blocking Goshiki’s spike at the Interhigh Qualifiers. He scrolls down the comment thread, only to read nasty comments made about Shiratorizawa VBC, which are mostly targeted at Goshiki.

 _“Shiratorizawa’s ace crumbles under pressure too easily! Is this really the guy Ushiwaka entrusted to carry on the school's legacy?”_ the caption writes.

_Tsutomu, no._

If Koganegawa could reply to such tweets without getting into trouble, he would refute that statement publicly.

Out of curiosity, he skims through the replies under the tweet, hoping for some user to stand up for Goshiki. As he continues scrolling through the replies, the more devastated he becomes.

 _“Ace? More like a disgrace!” writes_ a user.

 _Ushiwaka’s successor?”_ writes another. _“Who are you kidding?”_

Koganegawa feels his hands trembling. His eyes glisten with angry tears.

_“What a fraud.”_

_No! Shut up!_

_You guys have no idea how hard Tsutomu trains himself every day._

_You guys don’t know anything! Shut up!_

Seething in anger, Koganegawa puts his phone down to collect himself. Tears of frustration roll down his cheeks when he realises how he hasn’t exactly fulfilled his role of a supportive boyfriend.

He should be by Goshiki’s side, supporting him and encouraging him.

At the same time, he should be practising some more to bring his team to nationals again. It’s his last shot to make it to nationals again."

Drying his eyes with his shirt, Koganegawa dials Goshiki’s number and presses his phone to his ear. To his surprise, Goshiki picks up in an instant.

“Tsutomu! Are you busy?”

“I’m tired," Goshiki says with a cracked voice. "Talk to you another time.”

The line cuts off immediately, leaving Koganegawa worried about his boyfriend’s emotional state. 

Had Goshiki seen the video?

Had he read all those nasty comments?

Biting his lip, Koganegawa types out a text message to Goshiki.

 **_Me:_ ** _I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this on your own. I just want to remind you that I’ll be on your side no matter what._

_**Tsutomu:** Ok thanks _

How many nights had Goshiki spent crying himself to sleep? Koganegawa wouldn’t know, for he hadn’t been there for Goshiki at all. He had been so fixated on volleyball that he neglected the person that matters most to him. With a sigh, he exits the messaging app to see the photograph of Goshiki he had set as his wallpaper. He had taken the photo on their visit to the zoo. Although his boyfriend complained about the impromptu trip a lot, Koganegawa could tell that Goshiki enjoyed the trip more than anyone else.

He hadn't seen Goshiki smiling this brightly in the longest time. He recalls the day at the zoo vividly. Goshiki was leant over the railing, yearning to pet the red pandas in the enclosure. Enamoured with his boyfriend's brilliant smile, Koganegawa snapped a quick photo of Goshiki, only for Goshiki to find out. 

_“Hey! Delete those!” Goshiki laughs, holding his hand out in front of the camera. “I wasn’t ready!”_

_“Nope! Your smile looks super cute here!”_

_“What an unflattering picture! I look like a nerd!”_

_“How does this look unflattering? You’re smiling so naturally here! I don’t care, I’m using this picture as my wallpaper!”_

_“Do what you want with my nerdy photo. Just don’t upload it online or I’ll haunt you in your dreams and make you buy me twenty plates of boiled flounder.”_

_“I’m not sharing your smile with the world when it’s mine to keep!_ _How lucky I am to have you as my boyfriend!”_

How lucky he was, indeed. If only he could go back to much simpler times, how lucky would he be?

* * *

**October 2014**

The ball Goshiki spiked hit Koganegawa's hand, bouncing onto the court with a thud that spells the end of Goshiki's high school volleyball career. Date Tech would advance to the Spring High Qualifier Finals, where they would face off Karasuno on the court once again.

For some reason, Koganegawa could not bring himself to feel happy. His hard work and effort paid off and he had brought his team this far.

So why is he feeling so defeated?

When the captains are called over for a handshake, Goshiki approaches Koganegawa with a scowl on his face.

"Tsu!"

"Thank you for the good match," Goshiki says cordially. Despite his efforts to sound professional, his strained voice gives away his emotional state. 

Koganegawa extends his hand to shake Goshiki's, only for Goshiki to give him a half-hearted handshake before going off to shake the hands of the referees. Koganegawa watches as Goshiki leads his team to line up in front of the bleachers' stand, where Shiratorizawa's supporters applaud the team for their effort. Goshiki comforts his weeping teammates with reassuring pats on their backs.

To Koganegawa, it is amazing how Goshiki is holding back his own pain to act as a reliable pillar of support to his teammates, the way an ace and captain should be. As Koganegawa runs after Goshiki, Sakunami and Fukiage tackle him to the ground.

"Kogane-kun, you're our hero!" Sakunami exclaims through tears of joy. "We're going to win tomorrow and go to nationals again!"

"Yeah," Koganegawa says wistfully, watching Goshiki lead his team off the court.

"Let's go for a meal later!" Fukiage suggests. "What do you say, captain?"

"Sure but I have to go to the bathroom first," Koganegawa says, picking himself off the ground. "Catch you guys in a bit."

Grabbing his bag from the floor, Koganegawa weaves his way through the crowd outside, hoping that he would be able to catch up with Goshiki. He takes his phone out of his bag to give Goshiki a phone call.

"Tsutomu!" Koganegawa gasps in relief when the call finally gets through. "Where are you?"

“What do you want from me?" Goshiki snarls into his phone. The hurt in his voice rings in Koganegawa's ear. "Haven’t you won already? Why won’t you just leave me alone?”

“Tsutomu, please hear me out!”

“I have nothing to say to you!” Goshiki snaps. Koganegawa hears the strain in Goshiki’s voice and realises that Goshiki is crying.

“Please don’t be angry...” Koganegawa says, his voice trailing off as tears sting his eyes.

“I’m not mad at you, don’t you get it?” Goshiki says exasperatedly. “I’m mad at myself! I’m a failure, I’m a disgrace, I’m everything that Ushijima-san isn’t, alright? Are you happy now? If you’ll be so kind, just leave me alone! I’m begging you!”

“Never!” Koganegawa sobs. “Tsutomu, please let me stay by your side! Let me support you the way we did back in the day. We'll have each others' backs!”

“No need to," Goshiki says bitterly. “Go celebrate your well-deserved win with your team, I don’t give a damn. Goodbye.”

The line gets cut off. Dejected, Koganegawa puts his phone down and pulls his knees closer to his chin. His sniffles turn into sobs and before he knows it, he is weeping by the stairwell.

_Tsutomu doesn’t like me anymore._

All he could think of during the match is how he wants to bring Date Tech’s Iron Wall to greater heights. He hadn’t thought about how Goshiki wanted to bring his team of eagles to reclaim the realm where they used to soar. Goshiki worked harder than anyone else to make that goal a reality. To restore honour to his team of mighty eagles who have fallen from grace.

Futakuchi’s words ring in his ears once again.

_Captains of opposing teams can never be an item._

The higher he brought up Date Tech’s wall, the harder it was for Goshiki and his eagles to soar. If he let Goshiki’s spike pass through the cracks, he would never be able to face his teammates in the eye without feeling like a failure of a captain.

No matter what he does, his decision would always be wrong and it would be all his fault.

A light shower of rain falls as Koganegawa makes his way home after a meal with his teammates. The team would be up against Karasuno once again in the finals but somehow, Koganegawa does not feel hyped up at all.

His confrontation with Goshiki at the gymnasium earlier made him realise a lot of things. What stands out the most is the distance he and Goshiki had unknowingly put between them in order to fulfil their respective roles as captains.

In their attempt to stay professional, they had created a rift so wide that it would take a miracle for them to mend their relationship.

 _Is this really the end?_ Koganegawa laments. Warm tears roll down his face, getting washed away by the rain.

Whipping his phone out of his pocket, Koganegawa dials Goshiki’s number, only to be directed straight to voicemail.

“Tsutomu? It’s Kanji. Turning your phone off isn’t going to stop me. I’m worried about you, you know?”

As the rain gets heavier, Koganegawa takes a shortcut through a narrow road. 

“I really care about you but I have a duty to fulfil as a captain as well. I don’t understand why our teams are fated to battle on the court so many times. I’m trying my best to make it up to you but I don’t know how to do that anymore! I really don’t want our relationship to be finished off just like that!

“Was I ever enough for you? Have I failed as a boyfriend? I know that you’re hurting right now. I want to be there for you. Let me shoulder a bit of your pain for you, Tsu. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you.”

As Koganegawa approaches the pedestrian crossing, he cranes his neck to look out for traffic. Seeing as there is not a car in sight, he proceeds to cross the road.

“Call me back after you hear this, alright? Please, don’t leave me hanging. Tsu. You’re a wonderful captain that Shiratorizawa can boast of. You’re a great leader that your teammates can look up to and I’m very proud of you, Ace.”

A bright flash of light in the dark stuns Koganegawa and in a split second, he is hit by a speeding car, throwing him into the air. His phone flies out of his grasp, hitting the pavement with a light thud, a few metres away from his bleeding body.

* * *

Sprinting through the dark corridors, Goshiki makes his way to the emergency room. He had just headed back to his dormitory room, wallowing in sadness until news of the accident reached his ears. He turned on his phone immediately to see that he had received seventeen messages, ten missed calls and a voice message from Koganegawa in his inbox.

 _How could such a thing happen?_ Goshiki wonders, thinking back to his last phone call with Koganegawa before he turned his phone off.

_Please, if there's any higher power up there, please let Kanji be alright._

As Goshiki approaches the operating room, he notices an elderly couple sat on the waiting benches with their heads bowed down in prayer. He approaches the elderly couple and the older man turns his head up to look at him with glazed-over eyes. 

“Are you Kanji’s classmate?”

“No, I’m not from Date Tech. I’m his…close friend. I’m Goshiki Tsutomu from Shiratorizawa Academy. It’s nice to meet you."

The older woman lets out a sob, holding on to Goshiki's hand.

"Are you Goshiki Tsutomu-kun?"

Goshiki nods.

"I'm the one who called your dormitory. I saw your contact on Kanji's phone and recognised your profile icon as the photograph Kanji uses as his home screen wallpaper. I couldn't reach you so I called your dormitory management instead since their number is also listed in the contact card.”

“How is Kanji?”

“He’s not out of danger yet. He’s lost a lot of blood. I’ve already donated my blood but there hasn’t been an update on his condition.”

Goshiki swallows the lump in his throat. He isn’t about to cry in front of his boyfriend’s parents.

“Goshiki-kun,” Koganegawa’s father says softly, holding out a badly cracked phone in a sealed bag. Reluctantly, Goshiki accepts the sealed phone to have a closer look. The phone screen is badly shattered and the camera completely broken. He presses on the power switch and bursts into tears when he sees the lock screen wallpaper of himself and Koganegawa on their trip to the zoo.

He runs a finger over Koganegawa’s face, where the part of the screen is badly cracked.

“Kanji.”

“You must mean a lot to Kanji.”

Unable to remain composed any longer, Goshiki bursts into tears on the spot, holding Koganegawa’s broken phone to his forehead. 

* * *

After two hours in the operating room, Koganegawa is transferred to the Intensive Care Unit, where he lies motionless in bed, unable to respond to his mother caressing his cheek and his father pressing the back of his hand to his forehead.

The frequency displayed on the heart monitor is slow. An indication that Koganegawa’s time left on this universe is limited.

As much as Goshiki wants to burst through the doors, throwing himself on Koganegawa’s chest to cry himself hoarse, he wishes to respect Koganegawa’s parents wishes to spend what appears to be their last moment together as a family. 

After all, Kanji is their only child. The son they dote on and love with all their hearts.

Goshiki can’t begin to imagine the pain that the elderly couple would have to go through.

_It’s all my fault._

Clutching the cracked phone in his hands, Goshiki’s shoulders tremble and a sob escapes his throat. 

The distance he had put between himself and Koganegawa in their third year was a mistake that can't be undone. 

He thought that spending time away from Koganegawa would reduce the awkward tension arising from their captaincy. He did not want his boyfriend to see his weak side whenever he fell ill from overwork or when he cried himself to sleep after reading negative comments about his plays. He avoided meeting up with Koganegawa in person so that he wouldn't be questioned about his swollen wrist and twisted ankles.

If he had come clean and put aside his pride, his relationship wouldn't have been this strained and his boyfriend wouldn't have run into an accident as a result.

Goshiki presses his forehead against the glass window, weeping miserably.

"Kanji, I'm so sorry," he sobs, "I should’ve picked up your calls! I’m not mad at you! I could never be mad at you, sunshine! You make me so stupidly happy that I forget all my troubles whenever you’re by my side!”

Goshiki pauses in the realisation of what he had just said.

He wouldn't have had to suffer in silence when he has such an empathetic, understanding boyfriend by his side. Instead of reaching out to the person would know how to ease his troubles best, Goshiki had pushed Koganegawa away for the sake of his pride. 

How lucky he was.

A sob escapes Goshiki's throat as he bows his head in prayer, begging all the higher powers he can think of to create some kind of miracle to help Koganegawa get through this critical period. All of a sudden, the beeping of the heart monitor intensifies. Goshiki watches as Koganegawa's heart rate falls. 

“Kanji, I'm so sorry for pushing you away! I miss your voice so much. I miss your text messages, your silly photos and your scribbles on my worksheets. I'll make it up to you when you're all better, I promise! We'll go back to the good old days together. You and me, alright? Your parents need you. I need you. Please—I’m begging you—hang in there!”

Koganegawa’s heartbeat as shown on the heart monitor gradually slows down to a flat line. A faint beep from the monitor is all it takes for the elderly couple to let out the most heart-wrenching cry that Goshiki never thought that he would hear all his life.

Human life can be so fragile.

Fragile is an understatement.

Fragile items can be repaired and restored.

Human life is fleeting and transient.

Sobbing, Goshiki watches as the nurses pry Koganegawa’s parents from his limp body. They thrash around hysterically, begging the nurses to revive their son and offering to donate their blood and organs.

No parent would ever think of outliving their own child, after all. 

Unable to watch any longer, Goshiki turns his back on the window and slides down the wall. Staring at the ceiling, he lets out a pained laugh at his plight. 

All luck had left his side. The light in his life had gone out forever.

* * *

A month later, Goshiki sits in his school cafeteria, shoving spoonfuls of curry rice into his mouth while he completes his revision. 

_“You’re a wonderful captain that Shiratorizawa can boast of. You’re a great leader that your teammates can look up to and I’m very proud of you, Ace.”_

Goshiki closes his eyes, imagining that Koganegawa is sitting across from him, scribbling on his worksheets and telling him about his day animatedly. Just as he hears a gasp in the recording, he immediately rewinds the audio to the very beginning, attracting unfriendly glares from the people sitting in the cafeteria.

“How long has he had that recording on replay?” The boy sitting a table away asks impatiently. “It’s just a recording of someone telling him that he’s a great captain. Is he seriously that egotistical?”

“Maybe he needs it to heal his ego after his loss. Guys like him can never bring our school to glory. It’s a shame that Ushiwaka entrusted the volleyball club to him.”

_“You’re a wonderful captain that Shiratorizawa can boast of. You’re a great leader that your teammates can look up to and I’m very proud of you, Ace.”_

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding,” the boy groans, crushing his empty drink can and tossing it into the bin. “Not again!”

“I’ve heard enough, let’s go.”

As the boys get up from their seat, Goshiki takes out Koganegawa’s repaired phone from his pocket, gazing wistfully at the photograph of both of them on their date at the zoo. To a time where they were both happy and smiling from ear to ear.

Unlike the phone, Goshiki can’t repair Koganegawa’s body nor bring his boyfriend back to life. He can only relive his most cherished memories through Koganegawa’s box of belongings—a gift box containing their photographs and other knick-knacks—that Koganegawa’s parents had given to him at their son’s funeral.

His heart had fallen into the abyss. 

He thought that he had accepted the painful reality. He thought that he had become stronger since the day he cried himself hoarse. He thought that he could let go and move on.

Who would have guessed that a car would come speeding out of nowhere? Who would have thought the car would skid on a puddle of water and run straight into Koganegawa?

Goshiki lets out a pained laugh. Holding up his phone to his ear, he dials Koganegawa’s number and the phone buzzes. He picks up Koganegawa’s phone and speaks into his own.

“Kanji! Can you hear me? I’m so glad to hear your voice again. 

“You have to go already? But I want to talk with you some more. I love hearing your voice. You’re so enthusiastic about everything that I fall in love every time I hear you speak.

“I’m telling you the truth! I love you so much, you have no idea how much I miss you when you’re not by my side.

“Oh, alright. I suppose it’s wrong of me to hold you back like this. Talk to you soon.

“Till next time, then. I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry about the pain. Comments, feedback and screeching are appreciated!  
> Come scream at me on Twitter @chlorophyltalks


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